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The Space In Between

The quiet space following any significant life event, holiday, healing, or crisis—where you rise and get dressed for the first time on the other side, still trying to regain your balance. Those times and that space can be tricky; you feel a little lost, never quite sure what day or time it is, and you experience melancholy, often seeking to reestablish a routine. That is where I am right now, healing from breast cancer and all that it entailed. After treatments conclude, patients often find themselves in unfamiliar territory—a limbo that can be both serene and tumultuous. This blog post explores this transitional space: a period of reflecting on past experiences, confronting the aftereffects, and attempting to reintegrate into a new sense of normalcy.


The Void After Treatment


Following the last treatment, a peculiar silence surrounds you, a sense of emptiness. Gazing into the mirror, you observe someone who has weathered a storm, noticing the scars and some lingering bruises, yet feeling profoundly transformed. You might feel healthier but also permanently changed. I recall quietly slipping out the hospital's side door after my final treatment, much like sneaking out of a party early, hoping no one notices and pulls you back in.


This period of calm brings with it both gratitude and apprehension. Numerous cancer survivors express a profound thankfulness for their survival, yet the lingering question persists: What if the cancer comes back? It's important not to become complacent, while also acknowledging the significant challenge you've overcome. Striking this balance is difficult, and many survivors are concerned about the possibility of recurrence. Intrusive thoughts can lead to an intense feeling of anxiety.


Struggling with Forgotten Pieces


Over time, your body begins to heal, but the journey to recovery is filled with obstacles. Physically, you might face ongoing symptoms or medication side effects such as insomnia, fatigue, night sweats, and joint pain. Mentally, it may feel as though you're grappling with a version of yourself that seems more fragile and less resilient. You might feel shaken and somewhat ashamed because aren't you supposed to be improving? Don't complain, because others have had it much worse—these are the things we tell ourselves.


Interactions with family and friends often lead to well-meaning inquiries about how you are doing. You might find yourself obliging with a cheerful “I’m great,” while internally feeling anxious and exhausted. This constant need to mask your true feelings can be emotionally draining. A survey of cancer patients revealed that about 63% reported feeling isolated during their recovery process, highlighting a common yet complex emotional struggle.


The Weight of Expectations


During this transitional period, discussions about going back to work can add to the stress. You soon realize that healing and recovery are not straightforward; some days you feel fantastic, while on others, you struggle to get out of your pajamas. You may encounter inquiries about your return plans, which you appreciate, but how can you determine when you're ready? Your confidence has shifted. Questions can seem intrusive as you try to navigate the haze caused by medication that can leave you feeling lethargic. While self-care is crucial, societal expectations can lead to a sense of disconnection.


Each day presents chances or reminders to pause and practice self-care, but soon after, there are questions, phone calls, and meetings urging a quicker pace. I remind myself to breathe, just breathe, stay present, and transition to the next moment. You are safe, you are healthy, you are strong... my mantra echoes in my mind throughout the day and often into the night.


Walking on a Tightrope of Emotions


In this uncertain environment, emotions can fluctuate significantly. At one moment, you might experience profound gratitude for the support of loved ones. The next, fear might surface, highlighting life's unpredictability. You enjoy small pleasures—a warm sunbeam on a chilly February morning, your kids telling a joke, or a delicious meal—while simultaneously grappling with the anxiety of "what if" situations that disrupt your peace.


Even my favorite activities such as meditation, yoga and walking can occasionally seem overwhelming, as they highlight parts of your body that are still in the healing process. It's crucial to recognize that the journey to emotional healing is just as legitimate as physical recovery. This is something I have to frequently remind myself of, and it honestly caught me by surprise. I was so focused on the physical steps that needed to occur that I hadn't really paused to consider the emotional scars that would need love and care.


The Illusion of Control


A common experience during this journey is the yearning for control, which may feel fleeting. You may strive to eliminate anything “cancer-causing,” yet everything seems to carry risks. You do your best to avoid former habits while accepting that certain factors are beyond your control.


It's essential to listen to your body's signals. This might mean adjusting plans to include more recovery time or turning down social engagements that feel overwhelming. Putting your well-being first, even if it requires deviating from your usual routine, can be crucial for your progress. I frequently experience guilt or shame because I was always the "fun one," and you hope those around you realize that you miss your old self just as much as they do.


Finding a New Normal


Going back to work can feel daunting, yet it represents a step toward reclaiming part of your identity. I have always been committed to my work, with my entire sense of self focused on helping others. Spending time on my healing and self-care sometimes feels very selfish. I think, okay, let's get back to it, Natalie, let's get back out there and do what you do best. And then the next moment, I wonder how I will ever return to work full-time and handle the stress. Maybe I'm not ready? Maybe I'll feel stronger next week, more certain? You find yourself going in circles, searching for your new normal. Many cancer survivors experience mixed emotions about this transition. The joy of returning often conflicts with fears about workload and stress, which can heighten anxiety.


You might miss the predictability of your former life, leading to feelings of loss and mourning for the person who once tackled challenges without hesitation. Studies show that 56% of cancer survivors experience a substantial shift in self-identity after treatment, highlighting the importance of support during this transition. To be fully transparent, I am working with a psychologist on this matter.


Embracing The Journey Ahead


Despite every challenge, you keep progressing, remembering that healing is not a straight path. Embracing both gratitude and fear can lead to a more genuine healing journey. Every day offers new chances for growth. I've been developing this blog post for a few weeks as the emotions surrounding the in-between spaces fluctuate. This past week was particularly difficult, which brought me back to this post and writing because I wanted to capture this part with complete authenticity. However, not every day feels this challenging, and I believe it's important to acknowledge that.


You begin to recognize that navigating this space between treatment and normalcy is not just about transitioning but also about embracing life’s small victories. With time, you learn that this journey is rich with potential.


Final Thoughts


Navigating the uncertain territory between cancer treatment and returning to normalcy involves a complex blend of emotions—gratitude, fear, uncertainty, and resilience. It is a deeply personal journey filled with reflections often unseen by the outside world.


As you move through this tumultuous transition, you foster a renewed appreciation for life. Each step offers challenges and victories that deserve recognition. Know that it is entirely valid to experience all the emotions that come with healing and the quest for normalcy.



No one discusses this part, so I wanted to share my personal experience. It benefits me as much as it benefits others. My goal here in this space is to help someone or as many people as possible not feel alone in these less obvious areas of healing. This isn't just about breast cancer; it's about any major challenge life presents, where we're grateful to reach the other side but know for sure that we will never be the same. The uncomfortable space where true growth occurs. The quiet space that no one sees or hears about. I see you. You are not alone.




As always, take good care XO

 
 
 

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